Ancient Egyptian fantasy
Chapter 1-2
with a list of stuff if you want it.
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Holli
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Chapter 5
I feel like there's a lot I need to fix in this chapter, I don't really like it. But, I'm willing to make a fool of myself regardless. Feel free to make fun of me :)
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Chapter 4
this chapter in two words: shootouts & cliffhangers
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Nate Barker
May 08
Holli,
Since we are not meeting this month, I'll just leave my comments here.
Our first gun fight! Now we've got ourselves a Western (insert the sound of someone spitting chew and it hitting a metal spittoon here).
The action is quick and decisive in this chapter. Things are happening fast. I like that we get a bit more of LeRoy's backstory as well. I'm wondering if the first part of the chapter could be fleshed out a bit more. It seems that LeRoy is able to jump pretty quickly to some conclusions about the gun sales and the missing townsfolk. Maybe some inner dialogue to help us catch up with his deductions?
Looking forward to see what happens in the next chapter to Thomas.
Nate
chapter 3
not exactly sure how i feel about this one.. i wrote it all while camping and I've been whittling away at it for a while. feel free to express your distaste :)
Edit: I reuploaded the chapter with an additional scene with Leroy and the bartender. Hopefully it lessens the confusion about the town.
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Nate Barker
May 08
Holli,
Who's Marcus? Curious about the name drop in this chapter.
I like that the story of the Roys is continuing. We're seeing Leroy's nurturing side coming out more and more. It's good to see that you've addressed the empty town and I'm curious as to what the explanation is for that.
Some suggestions:
You have several different mysteries happening at the same time - Who is Roy and what is his story? Why is the town so empty? Is the sheriff corrupt? What's up with the Laramie gang? What's Leroy's backstory? Who's Marcus? Maybe it's because I write short stories, but that seems like a lot to hold in my head for just being three chapters in. I'm sure they all tie together and maybe I'm just impatient. It seemed to me that Leroy is doing a lot of guesswork with the sheriff being corrupt. Leroy's character in the previous chapters seems to point to a man who is a pretty straight shooter. It surprised me that he did not confront the sheriff, bartender, or doctor about all the missing people.
I'm also wondering about Roy's mood swings. He seems pretty neurotic going from, "you touch me and I'll kill you" to crying in an alley. If he is neurotic I'd invite you to lean into it even more. If he isn't and is just playing a part, it would be good to catch a few glimpses of the cracks in his performance. Maybe I've got this all wrong, but that's how I'm reading it at this point.
I like that Leroy jumps on Mable and rides bareback towards the town. This shows that he really is the nurturing type and Roy means something to him.
I'm looking forward to seeing where this western adventure goes!
-Nate
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I can't wait to see what happens. Such great descriptions!